And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
