Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize