meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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