You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
