she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
it was like eating out sand paper
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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