The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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