WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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