one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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