i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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