i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
