i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
