I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
