my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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