Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
