Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
