Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
