it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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