no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
