I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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