i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize