I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
