I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
