I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
