P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
