Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
