Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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