I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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