??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
