As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize