I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
that is very illegal...i love you.
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