When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
