just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
