i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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