Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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