someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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