I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
should my penis look like a turkey
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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