The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
