you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
