why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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