I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize