remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Your dad touched me again.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
