Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
