new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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