Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
