omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
