I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
