When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
