Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
