First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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