someone threw a dead crab at me
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
