i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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