he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
