I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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