FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
