I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize