I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
