I heard we made out
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
