I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sext me about skeletons
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
