Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
