I cockslap morals
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
