I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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