I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
